The Good Wife

Every woman wants to believe that her man is one of the good guys- the ones who are loving, honest, and faithful. And men will be the first to say “I’m not like all the other guys.” But is this just delusional thinking?

If soap operas, television shows like the Good Wife, and even Arnold Swarzenegger’s scandal are any indication, cheating should be as accepted as diet coke!

It seems like men just can’t help themselves. Women try so hard to satisfy their men. We cook, we clean, we sleep with you, we support you in as many ways as we can. And that’s still not good enough.

I know that not every man cheats on his woman, but one bad apple is enough to spoil the whole bunch. Every single person I’ve ever dated has cheated on me, both physically and emotionally, so I sometimes find it hard to be optimistic that I’ll never be cheated on again. But given the seemingly true nature of men, is that kind of “optimistic” thinking really just stupid?

And it’s bad enough that most men cheat on their women to begin with, but they cheat with women who are “less than” their girlfriend or wife in terms of social status. On The Good Wife, Peter cheated on his wife (an attorney) with a prostitute. Arnold Swarzenegger cheated on his wife with their nanny. Why don’t men cheat with more powerful/prominent women? Is it because their odds of getting caught would be increased? Or is it because an ordinary working girl is less intimidating than the powerful, intelligent women they’re with?

And why do we always hear about these prominent men cheating on their wives? Rarely do we hear stories about womem cheating on their husbands. Is it because women’s moral compass always points north, or could it be something else?

And what makes the women stay? Is it because they’re afraid no one else will want them? Is it because they’ve just come to accept that men will be men and cheat so they might as well stay where they are?

To be fair, not all men wake up in the morning and say “gee, I think I’ll cheat on my girlfriend/wife today.” Some men are seduced by women. Sometimes the woman knows this man is taken and they continue to seduce the guy anyway (I believe some people call these women whores). And sometimes the woman genuinely doesn’t know the man is taken- after all, men can lie and wedding rings can come off. While this is one reason why I do not like or trust women (which is a blog topic for another day), at the end of the day it’s still up to the man to say no to temptation. And I know that blaming the women for their succumbing to temptation is a hard habit for men to break, as they’ve been doing it since the beginning of time (do Adam and Eve ring a bell?), but it’s about time men own up to their indiscretions and take responsibility for their actions and finally admit what women have been forced to accept as their new reality: “you are like all the other guys.”

Great Expectations?

Since we were little girls we’ve been exposed to society’s ideas about how relationships are supposed to be. Disney movies taught us that all we’ve gotta do is scrub some floors, kiss a frog, or sleep for 100 years and prince charming will find us and we’ll live happily ever after. Well, it’s time to wake up.

Disney movies never tell you what happens after the princess finds her man, but I can assure you that even in the land of make believe things aren’t as perfect as they seem. Maybe Cinderella didn’t feel like doing dishes one day. Or maybe Tiana didn’t wanna cook breakfast one morning. And maybe Sleeping Beauty really did just wanna take a nap.

While most of us come to realize that fairy tales are just that- tales, some people hold on to these idealistic views of relationships well into their adulthood. And they’re in for a rude awakening when things don’t go so smoothly.

We’ve been taught to wait for a man that treats us like the royalty Disney movies convinced us we could be. A smart, handsome man that opens doors, pulls out chairs, and does all types of romantic stuff. Men like this exist everywhere. The issue arises where a man might possess 9 out of 10 of the desired traits so a woman won’t give him the time of day.

When do our great expectations become high, and even unreasonable ones? If we accept a man who has most but not all of our wish list does that mean we are settling? In the fairy tales, the men are perfect. But in real life they have flaws- sometimes they lie, sometimes they cheat, sometimes they forget our anniversary, or they leave the toilet seat up. In the greater scheme of things are any of these reasons not to give a man a chance?

I feel we do ourselves a disservice by searching for Mr. Fairy Tale, because we’re already setting ourselves up to fail because he doesn’t exist. And perfection is not what the movies tell us it is. It is what we make it. So next time you think about passing on a man who doesn’t exactly fit into your mold, remember that by doing so you may be passing up a chance to create your own happily ever after.

Valentine’s Day

Remember when you were in elementary school and you were required to give everyone a Valentine’s Day card so as not to hurt anybody’s feelings? You’d go to the store and buy a box or two of those cute little cartoon cards to pass out to your classmates. And if you wanted to be “cooler” you’d bring in some holiday themed cupcakes or brownies, whatever caused a sugar high. Valentine’s Day was simple back then.

Fast forward to adulthood and Valentine’s Day is this unnecessarily big hooplah, where getting a card and cupcakes are not guaranteed, and no one care’s if your feelings get hurt. For years I hated this holiday, and it’s not because I’ve never had a valentine, it’s because Valentine’s Day is another overrated Hallmark holiday. Do we really need a holiday to show people how much we care about and love them?

And, this holiday always seems to do more harm than good in a relationship- whether it’s two purely platonic friends celebrating the holiday together, or a married couple, or a couple that just started dating. Valentine’s Day never goes off without a hitch, especially when it comes to getting a gift. If it’s a new relationship, there’s the pressure of getting something that’s not too serious, like an engagement ring but not too impersonal like a slap-wrist bracelet from 1992. And you always try to gauge what to get the other person in terms of price because if you spend $100 and they spent $10 you’ll think they don’t care about you as much as you care about them and vice versa. And if the couple has been together for a while there’s the pressure of getting a gift better than the one you gave last year. And if you’ve been dating for a while there’s the whole proposal of marriage issue (which personally, I’m opposed to someone asking me to marry them on Valentine’s Day, or any holiday for that matter, but that’s another blog at another time) and if you get it you’re happy and if you don’t it creates this awkward aura in the relationship, even if you were perfectly happy for the last five years without the ring.

Valentine’s Day is one of those holidays where they say if you’ve got someone you love it and if you don’t you hate it, but I’ll have a valentine this year and I’m still blah about the holiday. I’ve never really been much of a chocolate and flowers type of girl. Neither one of those things last, and getting them for valentine’s day is like an omen telling you that relationship may not last either. Jewelry, however lasts forever- isn’t that more hopeful? Sure, I bought into the hype this year and bought cards for my friends and family, and a gift my guy, but we should try to spread love all the time. Let’s make love’s holiday every day of the year and not just on Valentine’s Day.

Taste the Rainbow!

So I told my friend who’s black that I recently went out with a white guy and he said “why are you going that way?” First of all it wasn’t really a “date,” and secondly, I’m sorry, I thought it was 2009 not 1809. I figured we were past the whole race issue, especially considering the fact that everywhere I turn I see a black guy dating a white girl, so even if I wanted to date a black guy they’re all taken by white women anyways lol. It’s been a long standing issue amongst black people and it’s ridiculous and unfair. Why is it okay for black men to date outside their race but not okay for me to do the same?

I surveyed many of my black guy friends and most of them said they feel like black women are leaving them behind when they date white men (yet they can’t possibly understand how black women could feel the same). Others say it’s because black women have too much attitude. White women have attitude, too (have you seen Jerry Springer?) so that’s not it. Whatever the reasons, I would think we’ve come farther than that.

On the flip side, I know many people who would never date outside their race. I know many black people who would never date white people because of the history of slavery in this country; and I know many white people who would never date black people because they still believe they are inferior. Fairly recently, we heard the story of the southern “Justice” of the Peace who refused to grant a marriage license to an interracial couple (which is very much illegal by the way) but maintains he is not racist.

Some of the most influential people in the world came from interracial relationships- Alicia Keys, Soledad O’Brien, Halle Berry, Mariah Carey (although her “influence” is highly debatable), Barack Obama- the list goes on. Love knows no color, so how about we stop focusing on it? Til that happens I look forward to dating white guys, black guys, asian guys, whatever guys, as skittles says, taste the rainbow!

Mr. Right Now

Back when I was in high school my mother gave me a plaque containing a list of “Teen Beatititudes,” one of which said something like “only date those who will make a good mate.” So since then I’ve been brainwashed into thinking I should only date those who would make a perfect husband and father, and I admit I’m still guilty of this way of thinking. As a result, when I’d meet a guy I’d automatically skip to our future- does he like kids? How many does he want? When will we get married? Where will we live? How’s his credit score? Etc.

But now that I’m older, I realize that becoming the perfect husband or father requires on the job training, so I can’t expect a man to be the total package. So it’s okay to lower my standards a bit. I’m not saying I’ve thrown them to the wayside and will take anything that comes my way, but if he’s got 2 out 3 things I like in a guy I won’t kick him to the curb as I have in the past. Furthermore, I’ve realized that by being so picky I’m missing out on having fun just dating. Many people in my family believe that it’s unladylike to date multiple men, they think you should date one or two guys, find one you like and marry him. If only it were that simple!

Many women complain about being single, and I used to be one of them until I learned to just let go. I feel that women tend to be conservative when it comes to dating because a) traditionally men are supposed to be the ones who seek us out and ask us on dates and what not; and b) we’re expected to still “act like women.” We need to just relax and go with the flow instead of constantly searching for Mr. Right. You never get what you want when you want it, so I’m all about enjoying life with Mr. Right now, and who knows, maybe I’ll find my Mr. Right in the process.

If You Like It Then You Shouldn’t Put A Ring On It?

During a recent episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta Kim tells her friend she wants a commitment from her man, she says “I want a ring.” Kim’s the perfect subject for this blog as her man, Big Papa is married. While this isn’t a new “phenomenon,” I’ve been noticing more and more married men not wearing wedding rings. Sometimes they’ll mention their wives, but most of the time they don’t. Lately it seems that men pick and choose when to mention their wives, like if there’s a whole bunch of unattractive women around they’ll mention their wives as if to deter the women from flirting (which isn’t always effective, some women just don’t care); or the opposite, if there are a lot of attractive women around they don’t mention their wives.

This presents a challenge for women like me who aren’t really into the whole dating married men thing. We run the risk of meeting and eventually falling for these “taken” men and then come the fights worthy of a Jerry Springer episode. If a ring is supposed to symbolize fidelity and men take it off and flirt why get married? Or, even more important, why do women place so much emphasis on the ring? Clearly the man who gives you one doesn’t always love you enough to honor what it’s supposed to stand for, so why do you need one? If you’re married and cheating why does the ring matter? How, then do we gauge commitment?

If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, Join ‘Em?

So I’ve been reading Steve Harvey’s latest book lately and his discussion on standards makes me feel like I need to throw mine out the window rather than to keep them. He claims that if you lay your standards out on the table a guy will respect you more and go that extra mile to get you, but in my experience guys hit the ground running. They say if you can’t beat them, join them and I’ve been wondering if this saying ought to be followed when it comes to dating. I consider myself to be a beautiful, intelligent, sophisticated young lady who knows what she wants and how to get. And I don’t think I’m too picky when it comes to men- I mean I don’t really care if you look like Idris Elba, David Beckham, or even if you don’t have the sexy British accents they do. As long as you can respect me and my many wild opinions about stuff; and can hold a decent conversation with me we’re good to go. So why does it seem like finding these men is like finding a needle in a haystack? No wonder women fight each other over them!

The guys I’m finding think a decent conversation involves talking about sex, drugs and liquor, which I guess is to be expected when the first words they say to you upon meeting your acquaintance is “yo, Ma what’s your sign?” Can I get a “hello, my name is so and so, what yours?” Can I get a convo about politics? Current events? Football? Something intellectually stimulating?

Over the years I’ve dated a few different guys who’ve all shared similar characteristics, and now that I’m older and wiser I prefer my men to be as well. And sure, I’ve got some new standards- like no gold teeth, no drugs, and above all you’ve gotta have an education, but are they really that unreasonable that I can’t find anyone who meets those requirements?

What I am finding however is a whole bunch of men who don’t meet my standards. A whole bunch of rude, uncultured, selfish, stupid men whose only mission is to use women. Or, if I find a half decent guy, he’ll ruin it by saying something like “don’t be expecting anything from me.” I’m not asking for a week in the Caribbean once a month or anything that extravagant. But can I get invited to a nice restaurant (without a dollar menu)? A night at the theatre (for a play not a movie)? An afternoon at the museum (of fine arts not science)? A day of something “adventurous,” like a hike or rockclimbing? A picnic at the park? Something out of the ordinary?

Is it better to just sell yourself short and settle for less because it’s readily available, or is Steve right about holding out on the hope that there’s somebody out there worth waiting for?

Chivalry May Be Dead, But Sexism is Alive and Kickin’!

This blog may appear to contradict an earlier post, but it’s not meant to do so.

So my maintenance light comes on and I know it’s because I’m about due for an oil change, but due to my ridiculously busy schedule I don’t have time to have one done, so I figured I’d just pour a bottle in to tide me over til I did have time to do so. So I’m in the Wal-Mart parking lot poppin’ the hood and as he’s walking towards me this guy says “don’t you wanna wait il your boyfriend comes back from inside to do that for you?” and I say “to do what for me?” and he said “whatever you’re trying to do” and I said “ I know what I’m doing, thanks.” And he just walks into the store. Then as he’s walking out I’m getting’ in the car and he says “why are you moving your boyfriend’s car? won’t he get mad if you mess up his clutch” to which I said nothing and just peeled off.

So let me get this straight… men no longer want to do the “gentlemanly things” like open a door for a lady or pay for dinner, yet when it comes to doing anything mechanical to a car it’s ok for it to be a manly thing?

I certainly wouldn’t mind having a guy do all the maintenance to my car, however I usually never have one around, so I made it a point to learn how to do basic things like change my oil, change a tire, etc. so as not to have to depend on a man to do that for me (again, not cuz I don’t want or need one, but cuz like I said I usually never have one lol).

And being a man does not mean you know cars. I know more about cars and car maintenance than a lot of guys do (and I’m by no means a car genius). There have been times where my exes’ cars have had issues and I’ve told them how to go about fixing it. Call me shallow, but the only reason I really ever got into cars was a) so that I could kinda flirt w/ guys or talk up cars with a guy in an attempt to get to talk to him and b) in the event I ever got a car I could race, or ever went to a car show and I could impress a guy with a conversation on the pros and cons of cold air intakes and such and such lol

Nonetheless, I’m offended that he assumed I was driving my bf’s car just cuz I’m a girl. If he was looking inside my car well enough he would’ve noticed my pink punching gloves and my Coach bag in the passenger seat- I’m sure most boyfriends don’t use those (I’d hope not anyway).

Diggin’ For Gold

So, one of my friends said something today that reminded me of a topic I’ve been meaning to write about- gold diggers. Nope, I’m not talking about those who participated in the 1849 Gold Rush, I’m talking about the nickname men have created for women, and the song Kanye West dedicates to us. How sweet of them. My friend said something to the effect of “I don’t really like to spend a lot cuz women are gold diggers.” I’m torn because I support both men and women in this issue, and there are several definitions for the term. I support men in that women shouldn’t use men for their money. That’s actually degrading to me because I’d rather work and make my own money rather than use you for yours. However, I know a lot of men who use their women for money, too (my friend, who stated the above quote can also be quoted as saying “I need a rich woman. Don’t care about anything, white, black, whatever. Just rich, why marry down when I can marry up?”) We seldom hear them being called gold diggers so what’s up with the double standards?

Another point that’s somewhat related is Steve Harvey’s mention of the term gold diggers in his book Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. He says something like gold digger is a term men created to keep women from demanding the financial support they deserve from a man. i.e. if men call a woman a gold digger she’ll feel bad asking him for child support money for her child or something to that effect. I half agree, again in support of both men and women. Sure men should take care of their children, but to create a term that gets you out of doing so is stupid, and ineffective cuz women who really need the $ for their children will demand it anyways. So this allegation makes men look stupid, assumes women are stupid, and is just eh. I get his trying to support woman in that chapter, but he could’ve done a better job.

Now back to my friend’s comment. This presents quite a paradox. If women expect a man to pay for dinner on a date you don’t like her cuz she’s being a gold digger (last time I checked it had something to do with chivalry, but perhaps that really is dead). But if a woman offers to pay or at least go Dutch (which reminds me, where’d this saying come from? Do they do this In the Netherlands or something, I’m confused) she’s acting all independent like she doesn’t need a man so you don’t like her. Either way, Steve Harvey’s assertion that men want to provide for us is incorrect, cuz if men wanted to provide for us they would be happy to pay for our dinner/movie ticket & popcorn/etc without callin us a gold digger.

And this brings me to another point- why are we still called gold diggers if we don’t ask for anything? For example, I don’t ask for much in a relationship. On the contrary I’ve always been dumped for the demanding ones. I’m fairly easy to please, I don’t ask for diamonds from Tiffany (or diamonds from anywhere else at all because of what child miners in Sierra Leone go through, but that’s another story; plus I’m completely ignorant of diamonds and honestly couldn’t tell the difference between a cubic zirconia and a diamond) or for Roberto Cavalli anything. I just buy myself what I want. This is viewed as my being “an independent diva who doesn’t need a man” and that’s not fair.

I’m not saying I don’t need a man in the sense of not wanting one cuz I wouldn’t mind havin’ one, but I don’t need one in the sense of my car note won’t get paid unless my man gives me money to do so, and if he’s gonna call me a gold digger cuz he doesn’t want to have to pay my car note or anything for me then yeah in that sense I don’t need a man cuz either way my car note’s not getting paid, right?

This presents a problem for women. Statistically, some of us are starting to make more money than men because more of us getting graduate & professional degrees than men are. So because we choose to keep going to school to make more money because we still don’t always get paid equally in the 1st place, and have to deal with men who don’t feel they should spend money on women, we STILL can’t catch a break?

This whole “you’re a gold digger, I’m independent” nonsense is taking away the intimacy, love, and mutual respect in a relationship and is replacing it with greed, competition, resentment, ultimatums, and all types of negative energy. What men and women need to accept is that we need each other, literally. We can’t procreate without one another (at least not the way God intended), and together we just make the world go ‘round. Why can’t we just give to each other and support each other without all the name calling? Isn’t it better to give than to receive?

I would love nothing more than to work because I want to not because I have to, and if it’s cuz a man is taking care of me financially then so be it. I don’t think that makes me a gold digger (and isn’t that what the Bible intends?) but “Unfortunately,” I don’t have a man at the moment, so pass me a shovel- I’m digging for my own gold.