Last night, I had to park on the other side of the gym, and my usually bare Spinning class was full save for one empty bike. As if that weren’t bad enough, when I went to the grocery store to shop for my usual vegetable bounty, there were no shredded carrots to be found, and I ended up getting the veggies at the bottom of the barrel including some questionable looking shallots. That’s when it hit me- the Resolutionists are out in full force this year, and they’re coming for blood.
Resolutionists are what I call people who jump on the diet and exercise bandwagon on January 1st hoping to hit the ground running to achieve their absurdly ridiculous and unrealistic goals by December 31st only to fail by February 1st, leaving the regular gym-goers like me frustrated and inconvenienced for one month.
Every year, Resolutionists join gyms in droves on January 1st (perhaps because they don’t know that it’s typically cheaper to join in the summer time- when no one is using the gym because they’re showing off the bodies they perfected at the gym in the winter so to lure members, gyms slash prices). They occupy my favorite spot in yoga, or use my favorite elliptical, or take my favorite bag in kickboxing. They even took my favorite bike in Spinning class. Regular gym-goers know the rules. We know not to take a particular bike if we know a certain person always uses it.
And Resolutionists stick out like tourists in New York City (you know, the people looking up at the buildings and taking pictures of the beautiful crap that veteran New Yorkers take for granted). They show up all shiny and new with their squeaky clean Nikes and their non-faded black yoga pants, and their state-of-the-art Brita water bottle filled with their hopes and dreams of sticking to their goals this year.
While Resolutionists view this as a good-faith effort to get healthy, we regular gym-goers think of it as tourist season. And we just secretly loathe going to the gym in January. We fully support those that are determined to join the club (bad pun intended) and become a regular gym-goer like us. I guess it’s just another case of one bad apple spoiling the whole bunch- enough people quit by February that we just don’t take any Resolutionists seriously. Their resolutions are fleeting.
On the plus side, at least the Kardashian-Humphries marriage will have lasted longer than something.
